"Do not love someone so much, because in the end, it would lead to nothing." That was something I did not believe.
"Why afraid of loving?", I used to ask. But maybe I just found the answer. Of course it is wrong asking for reply for your feelings, but.... Of course love should be something given unconditionally, but...
Is it true that as long as we are not Japanese, no matter how hard we try, we could not get close to senpai at all? We have to remain distant just because we are foreigners? I have been believing that as long as I do my best, my feeling could reach senpai and would be treasured. But...All 3 of us put together, with all this time that we had known could not compare to a new member whom senpai barely known, just because she is Japaneses.
I felt empty when I heard she said "u know what, senpai said that..." Because I don't know.
It does not matter who get what. I don't care what senpai give us but what he thinks about us. And it is hurt to find out that he wasn't thinking about us at all. I have always known that we, the foreigners, are the farthest form senpai. But could it be even farther than a 2-day-long member? It's hurt.
I hate to hear "u know what, senpai said that..." I hate to hear about senpai from her
Because I don't know, I don't know a thing she said, I could not know because senpai does not want me to know.
We have been believing that although small, we do take up a place in senpai heart, somewhere...
In the Christmas party, we waited, and waited, hoping senpai will mention at least one of us in the radio broadcast. Waited...
But none. None of us foreigners, not even Yoko senpai who has been here for one and a half year. .
Who are we to complain? I do not complain, but it is hurt. I know that senpai doesn't want to hurt us, but it is that he doen't think about us at all. And it's hurt.
Senpai once said "らんも、私の大切メンバー”
Should I keep on believe in that?
Do I have the strength to believe?
Somehow I feel like understanding Aru senpai's feeling. He was there for so long but still left out like an outsider.
But it is not senpai's fault. It was our fault that we love senpai so much, that we expect so much. But even then, I could not bring myself to bear hatred. Because I loved senpai so much that it hurts.
"Why afraid of loving?"
Because in the end, I myself will be hurt.
Ran
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