Babbling in my free time : D----------
Suddenly seeing a status "already one year" on a web made me feel nostalgic. I started to feel like my time had passed so fast yet I couldn't get a hand to reach it at all. Not at all. I didn't feel the gasp "3 years" of mine in this place at all. Right, three years have passed over me yet, when reminding back about each of them, I felt almost nothing. My mind right now is just a rather vague sense of mixed feelings.
In my memory, I smiled very often, almost at very sentence that my partners have spoken. I found everything from the people I am friendly with was gay, cheerful, and felt like I should respond to them with a smile. I smiled to show people that I was a good companion. That I would be a patient and friendly person.
I am really quiet. Maybe I am shy. Probably. I rarely volunteer to start a conversation first. I do now but still not as naturally as others. Some times I would feel envious with others' cheerfulness. What is it in me that stops me from starting up? What is it in me that makes me smile and quietly sit in a crowd, contently? I have nothing in me that would make me start a conversation, since I am different from others. I don't interest in what my friends are, so I don't know what to say to them. I rarely have any question to ask people, since I always like to figure them out myself. Since I don't want to force myself to like what others do.
I pass every of my days without knowing it. From the moment I open my eyes until the time I close them, a day had passed. My entire feelings for a day would take me to the dream land that, until next morning, they would disappear. I would have thought about a lot, a lot of stuffs but I never try to keep their feet from going away from me. In the end, I keep nothing.
In the period of my recent three years, I gained a lot and also lost so many. But I guess if there is gain, there hatress loss. The three years that cover me with solitary, with hatred, self-hatred, mixed feelings, challenges, and happiness has really changed a part of me. Every time I looked back to my old selves, I feel it ridiculous that I am changed. I neither like or hate my past selves, they are still a part of me that would affect my every decision. Yet, it is rather amazing to see how much changes I did to myself. It is not the character or the outside image (well, can I consider to be cuter now? =P) but the thoughts and sensation. Maybe I have lost my innocent eyes, in oder to be fitted? Why shouldn't I change myself while I would wish to? I want to be a more confident and clever person. Even though I am not really obsessed with my 3 years, I don't wish for time to come back.
It is time to uncover my blindfold to face the cruel surrounding of me.
A year, a year, and another year have passed through my shoulder unknowingly. I don't feel like I have spent its entire time to my fullest. Time never waits for me so I would miss it, or rather it is because I never am serious with time that I missed it. Three years of feelings and facts forces me to crave for desires, to burn away the coldness and indifference inside me. Each year passed will take away a part of my pretty heart and refill it with some ugly material. But it might be better in that way. I am still not serious enough for my desires, but at least I know that I am aware of the fact now.
Probably until the day that "Kids these days" become my familiar greetings, I will still be a clueless person.
I might not be able to stop smiling unnecessary either.
At least for this moment, I am aware of myself.
Anzu.
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。 最近ずっとバイトをしているからなにかをする時間も少ないし、いやだことを考える時間もないし、頭が大分明るくたってきた。最近将来のことばかり考える。 あたしの新しい部屋はどうになるかなと思って。絶対お姫様の部屋みたいが良い。そのためあたし一生懸命頑張ってバイトをしてたんだよ。絶対お姫様の部屋作 るからね。